In my quest to help people understand toxic relationships, let me start by saying, the word "toxic" denotes "poisonous." Toxic relationships poison our peace and limit our ability to enjoy another person. A poisonous relationship causes exhaustion, frustration, and, in some circumstances, depression. Toxic connections may harm corporate partnerships, athletic teams, and, of course, families. Some conflict in a relationship is acceptable; but, some people inject poison into every connection, rendering healthy give-and-take impossible. Those are toxic people, and the Bible gives some recommendations for how we should deal with them.
There will be people whose company we do not enjoy, but this does not make them toxic. We may have polar opposite ideologies, but we can still maintain a comfortable friendship. Only those who are ready to put up with the poisonous person's selfish demands will be able to sustain such a relationship.
Several factors influence whether a relationship or person is toxic:
1. The relationship is entirely one-sided in favour of the toxic individual. Toxic people are extremely egocentric and can only think about themselves and what they want at the moment. This is a clear breach of Philippians 2:3-4, which states, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit." Rather, in humility, put others ahead of yourself, not looking to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Toxic people may claim to be helping others, but there is always an ulterior goal that benefits them.
2. There is constant drama in unhealthy partnerships. Ironically, toxic people are frequently the ones who profess to everyone how much they "hate drama." Nevertheless, they provoke it wherever they go. They appear to thrive off it. They cannot get from point A to point B in a basic, straightforward method. They are a perpetual tangle of justifications, falsehoods, fabrications, and bizarre scenarios that exhaust everyone else in their universe. They prefer confusing otherwise straightforward issues since it keeps the focus on them.
3. They are always correct. Always. Toxic people look down on anyone who bothers to correct or argue with them. They disguise their excessive pride with feigned humility, but there is rarely genuine repentance since they do not believe they are in error. It is everyone else's fault. According to Proverbs 16:18, "Pride goes before a fall, and a haughty spirit before destruction." Toxic people are dominated by arrogance, even when they try to conceal it with self-pity or grovelling. If you are in a toxic relationship, the "destruction" caused by the toxic person's pride frequently falls on you as well.
4. Others dread conflicts or contacts with poisonous people. Outsiders may find them charming, but those who are in a poisonous relationship understand the truth. Every conversation, no matter how benign it starts, ends with the twist of a blade. Everyone else is left to deal with the aftermath, while the toxic individual skates away seemingly unaffected. If you grow apprehensive about the prospect of another interaction with someone in your life, despite no fault of your own, you may be in a toxic relationship.
5. Victimisation is a source of pleasure for toxic people. Everything happens to poisonous individuals, and the world should pay attention. They believe they should not be held responsible because it was not their fault, despite the fact that it was. Self-pity nearly oozes off them, even if they disguise it with a veneer of power. They enjoy portraying themselves as martyrs and will create scenarios to do so. Those in relationships with toxic people frequently appear to be the bad guys. Outsiders frequently silently critique the friends or family members who are "intolerant" of this poor victim, causing conflict and confusion in peripheral connections.
6. Toxic individuals lie. If their mouths move, poisonous people are most likely lying. They lie more easily than they tell the truth, and their convincingness causes even those who know better to question their own views. Toxic people excuse their lies by convincing themselves that they had no choice. When caught red-handed in a falsehood, they may pretend remorse, but all the time they may be concealing a dozen other lies that no one has discovered yet. The Bible has harsh words for liars. God has a zero-tolerance policy towards liars and is not deceived by any of their explanations (Revelation 21:8). Lying is mentioned twice in Proverbs 6:16-19 as one of the seven things the Lord despises.
King Saul is an example of a poisonous personality. He started out well, but power, pride, and jealousy destroyed his spirit. His enraged jealously of little David expressed itself in a bewildering range of emotions. Saul was one moment peaceful and appreciating David's music, the next attempting to kill him (1 Samuel 19:9–10). Saul appeared to be remorseful, but he soon returned to chasing David (1 Samuel 24:16-17; 26:2, 21). Later, Saul disobeyed a critical command from the Lord in order to make people like him (1 Samuel 15). That sin cost Saul his kingdom.
We were called to peace (Colossians 3:15), yet a poisonous relationship ruins it. Some people are so abusive that they refuse to let us seek or broker peace in any area. When the relationship is constantly packed with unwelcome drama, when you dread the next outburst, when you don't believe anything this person says, or when someone is harming your reputation and sanity, it's time to establish distance.
Psalm 1 provides precise directions for staying away from evil idiots. We are fortunate that we do not seek friendships with them or listen to their advice. Toxic people fall into that category. They cannot be satisfied with destroying their own life; they must also damage the lives of others. It is important to understand that you cannot alter a toxic person, particularly from within a poisonous relationship. You can only help toxic individuals if they want to be helped.
People-pleasers are the most common victims of toxic relationships, as they want the toxic person to like them. However, there are occasions when it is best to end a relationship (Proverbs 22:24-25). If you are married to a toxic individual who has converted your relationship into a toxic marriage, you may need to separate and seek concentrated marital treatment. If you are not married, it is time to say good-bye.
In every situation concerning a poisonous relationship, turn to God in prayer. Cry out to "receive mercy and find grace" to assist in your time of need (Hebrews 4:16). "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7). Petition the Lord repeatedly to change the heart of the individual causing the toxin. There is hope and healing in Him.
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